Lo it is written that on the eighth day God created Monster and
on that monster he bestowed upon him the power of the Ultimate
Cookie an uncanny ability to devour and indulge in debaucherous
activities leaving nothing but crumbs in it`s wake.
the years that followed God unwisely realized the error of his
ways and a subsequent fall from grace for the monster became apparent.
We do not know from the ancient Sumerian scrolls the magnitude
of the Cookie Monsters crimes however we can assume that they
were so horrendous to these ancient infidels that no man would
dare commit those words in stone lest other men gaze upon them
and expire with the horror of it all.
the millennia that followed it is believed that the monster has
roamed the four corners of the earth adopting various guises.
Historians unanimously agree that one of these guises was the
pre-christian pagan God of northern Europe known as `The Lord
of this world`, `Pan` and the Green Man`, granted that the Monster
is actually blue it is believed that the ancient pagans were actually
colour blind ! One of the traits of this God was for his followers
to eat, shag and get pissed on a Saturday night. ( fact, not made
up ). Clansmen were thought to be looked upon favourably for their
debauched activities. The monster is also believed to have visited
the then pleasant cities of `Sodom` and `Gammorah` and shown the
residents the error of their ways !
few years ago Iron ( or should we call him lead these days ! )
Mike Tyson is thought to have been possessed by the almighty monster
whilst fighting Evander `the real meal` Hollyfield in the USA.
This resulted in Tyson developing an unholy ( field ! ) hunger
for the funny little ears of his opponent, which happen to be
shaped like cookies !
traces of the Cookie Monster can still be found as a virus devouring
the `cookies` on computer hard drives the world over. Also it
is thought that he was the inspiration behind the politically
correct `Monster Raving Cookie Party`.
a homage to our mentor, `Dimebag does Dallas` have resurrected
a Cult to this great Monster ( unquestionably our devine lord
and master ) in order to show the people of this world the error
of their boring ways. We will admit that we are not fit to kiss
the crumbs in his wake however he is our Lord and master and we
WILL WORSHIP HIM, `um num num, um num num`.
evidence of the almighty monster through the ages:
has been brought to our attention by brother `Self Raising Sansum`
that the cookie monster actually has had a passage accessable
to him throughout the ages to the underworld below ( his highway
to hell ). Apparantly this can be found on an island in Lough
Dergh in Ireland and goes by the name of St Patrick`s Purgatory,
St Patrick being the first person to travel this dark path was
persued and promptly mugged by the Cookied one on the way as he
made his way to Satan`s house for tea and cookies. Many travellers
on this path are said to have not survied the horror`s of our
Lord Cookies brutal yet jovial mugging let alone actually make
it to Satan`s house.
days the island is now a holy place of Catholic vigils, don`t
ask us why, it just is !
as to how the family bacame what it is today:
many centuries the Lord Cookie roamed the universe, bestowing
his infinite wisdom and the wonder of cookies to many different
beings and races. One bright sunny day in October 1972 he returned
once again to planet Earth, and stopped for a moment in a town
called Maidstone. There he witnessed the joy of birth. To the
proud mother he said "Behold! A child is born. I shall eat
this packet of biscuits in celebration and sprinkle the leftovers
upon your baby's brow. He shall therefore become the Son of Cookie
and he shall be named Crumbs!". And this he did.
multitudes of people on Earth also heared his words and rejoyced.
Three wise managing directors came to Crumbs two nights later
and each gave him a gift. The first gave him a packet of hazelnut
cookies, the second gave him a packet of chocolate chip cookies,
and the third a packet of toffee apple cookies. The Lord Cookie
was pleased with these gifts to his son, but when Crumbs vomited
after eating the hazelnut cookies (he was born with a nut allergy),
Lord Cookie smote the first managing director in righteous anger
and punished him by sending him to work in a custard cream factory,
a quite inferior species of biscuit.
the Lord Cookie turned to his son with a sad smile and said "Oh
crumbs, now i must leave you to make your own way in the world.
It will be a rocky path for you but 28 years from now you will
meet four others who will help you in your quest for tasty biscuits,
and these four you will name as the Disciples of Cookie."
So saying, he left.
the year 2001, the Lord Cookie's prophecy came true. In the city
of Bristol, Crumbs met with four people called Gobz Ombie, Xyko,
Jonny Kaos, and Self Raising Sansum - forever known as the Disciples
of Cookie, though Crumbs is currently thinking of changing the
collective name to Five Cookies Of The Apocalypse. They have formed
a band and will be coming to spread the word of the Lord Cookie
to you soon. 'Til then, keep up the faith.
ALL HAIL THE COOKIE